The feeling and relationship shown outside was never what we had inside. Dad was mostly angry at what I cannot pin point.
Selfish to the family but gives cheerfully to outsiders. There are days I sit at the balcony and cry till I fall asleep. All these notions I gathered in my head made me dislike men in general and I vowed never to marry a preacher.
I needed space and time to get over the forsaken treatment while mum had to seal her lips else things could go wrong. Times my siblings and I had excellent results all we hear is “well done but you could have done better, I’m sure those in your class who score more than you do not have two heads”. Not even a pencil as a gift or bringing it down to a warm hug. What would a family outing cost? I’m in my middle 20’s and I cannot remember the last time we had a family laugh or time to chill out except our usual family devotion and the journey from the house to church on church days.
I feel so much pain right now. I just want to let loose of everything I have ever held on to. I am sick of the outer joy and inner bleeding on a daily basis. As funny as these sounds, people envy me a lot because I’m always cheerful and I try to make people around me happy. People tell me they’ll love to be like me; I just smile and pray silently in my heart “you won’t be like me but you’ll be better than me”.
I have escaped being raped four times but my parents have no idea about this. What exactly is the essence of life??? I write this with tears rolling down my cheeks. Never envy anyone, just be yourself, sometimes I regret being born into this family but my fate will not let me escape.
To be continued in next episode.
This is a true life story of the author. Photo credit: Google Chrome.